Words I hate: Part Two

Authentic. (See also: authenticity).

If anyone prefaces a conversation with this word be afraid. At least be wary. They are about to lie. It might be to you. It might be to themselves. It might be to their community. But, like 'honestly' or 'true story', it is an undeniable indicator of bullshit.

This horse-fuck, meaningless word is usually tied to a declaration of self or a life lived properly.. As in, I'm exploring my authentic self. Or, this represents the authenticity I seek in my life.  These pronouncements are always wishes, not truths. Like the creepy dude who insists, "I'm a nice guy", they aren't to be trusted.

My problem comes from the idea that we get to decide who we are. We don't. You will be judged by your peers and your community. You can aspire to this 'authentic' person, but I'll judge how far short you fall. Your understanding of self is always a blind analysis. From the centre you cannot see yourself as others see you. Ideas are found in the dialectic between people. You aren't anything on your own. Who you are is found in the feedback loop between you and the other people in your life's story. Because of this, you don't get to declare your worth, or your authentic self, apart from them.

I'm not making a metaphysical argument here. Those are best left to late nights and empty glasses. I'm simply reporting on the observational reality of our world. You aren't who you think you are. You might have an idea of your actual self if you observe the things others say about you. Most of us believe those 'others' are wrong, and we're right. Maybe, maybe not. But the idea of right and wrong is an uninteresting distinction. You may be be right, but if everyone else thinks you are an asshole, you are. You just happen to know the back story that explains it. The truth of you is found in the collected observations of the world, not in your beliefs about your self.

I don't know if that makes you an authentic asshole or not, but authenticity is a stupid word so I don't use it much. I suggest you don't either. Try to be an actual person. People are interesting and layered and worth knowing. Authentic selves are the dreams of perpetual adolescents and boring as fuck.

Overly dramatic, but still true, thoughts I wish I didn't have

My fears love the night. Under the cloak of sunlight they are hard to see. The day blurs their edges, makes them soft. They can only whisper and mumble during waking hours. After dark they realize their voice. They still whisper. But their soft voice is painfully clear. Their message is understood.

You are not enough.
You've wasted too much time.
You've missed your shot.
Your life is as good as over.

But daylight comes and the world seems safe again. If I could expose the dark corners of my mind I think my fears might flee. But I've always loved the darkness. It's scary. It's bleak. It hides me. It lays me open for fears I befriended long ago.. The night is a world of unseeable futures and altered selves. I'm not short and slightly odd looking in my nighttime fantasies. I'm whatever I imagine. I'm everything except what is possible. My fears keep those dreams away. Reality is the stuff of daylight and hard work and drive. The night is where my subconscious plays with possibilities without the weight of effort.

I love and dread the night. I only accept the light. Maybe I'll learn to love it too. But likely, it will continue to be a time to look forward to fears and dreams and the impossible.