My second Father's Day just passed. The first one hardly counted. My boys were a handful of days old last June. They are too young to understand we reserve specific days for celebration. Their world is not segmented. But the day was a reminder of things to come. It was a remembrance of what is gone.
My Dad died in 2011. It's not a constant pain. My dead Dad is a simple, shitty truth. I am old enough that he isn't the only hole in my world. But, his shadow looms large in my imagination a couple days past this Father's Day. I should say that I miss him. I'm not sure that is true. I no longer redigest regrets like that.
I miss what I could have given back.
I wish my minions could meet their Grandpa. Despite being a grumpy introvert he loved his children and grandchildren. This was a good man who didn't love a lot of people. I wouldn't have described him as full of joy. I wish I could have brought some more light to him. My twins bring joy. I'm not being conceited. I don't think I'm special. They are. There is something about twins that people open their hearts to. I've encountered this every time I've been in public with them. It's remarkable. I miss sharing that with my Mom and Dad.
I think my Mom misses that too.
My Dad isn't the only broken piece of my story. I've lost three of four Grandparents. Each of them meant something special. My boys carry part of each of their names. I wish they could cuddle and love my twins like my maternal Grandmother has been able to. But those are small wishes. Great grandparents are a luxury. It is a lie to say I think of them and what could have been. It isn't something I miss, or regret.
I do miss J.P.
J.P. was the centre of my university life. She brought me and my partner together. She dragged me into friendships when I wasn't comfortable around people. She knew I was smart and capable when I had forgotten and was stumbling, unguided into my future. She is a big part of my Ph.D. She was the gravitational centre of my life for many years. Long after my spouse and I were living together and I had started pursuing Grad school she was still the centre. We orbited around her inevitable force of life.
I don't miss her for any of those things.
I miss her for the same reason as my Dad. I miss the opportunity to pay her back for her love and kindness. J.P. was an example of the buoyancy of the human spirit. J.P. didn't have an easy life. I don't know all the details but she actively practiced love and friendship. She was a beacon for many of us. Her glow was part act, part force of will and all choice. She was braver than I realized during our years together. I wish I could have shared the light and joy of my minions with her too. Her death is one of the reasons my partner and I haven't formalized our 'marriage'. It seems wrong without J.P. standing by our side.
She is an empty seat at every celebration.
I won't let those seats gather dust. I will share memories of all my past and present loves on days of celebration and ritual. I will make the past more than ghosts that haunt our regrets. I will make them part of our family story of love.
There will always be a place in my heart, my home, and my family for my Dad and our burnt out star J.P.
