Like the Dark side for Vader, I find it futile to resist feelings. Every time I push against anger, fear or frustration I give them power in the relationship. Long ago I learned to accept love. I allow myself to feel it in different parts of my body. No, I said love, not lust. I wasn't talking about that. Yet, I still struggle against these feelings I don't want. I should know better than to resist evil. I understand every relationship is a relationship of forces. When the moment has passed, I remember I shouldn't challenge these feelings.
Fear won't kill me. But resisting it leads to panic.
Anger won't break me. But fighting it makes me lash out.
These things are easy to understand in reflective and quiet moments. But as a baby screams, unable to soothe themselves to sleep, it is easy to forget. Feelings are not my enemy. Thoughts don't matter that much. I don't have to chase every dog that barks. I can see it, feel it, allow it and let it pass.
The boys help me with this challenge. They give me plenty of opportunity to practice.
I'm getting better, I think.
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