It is cliché, but kids change everything.
At certain times clichés are truer than you can imagine.
Somebody once said something like, "the value of anything is the amount of life you are willing to trade for it". I'm fucking up the quote but that is essentially right. It is a Thoreau quote, maybe. If not, it's one of those guys--old, dead, white, straight, smart as fuck, but wacky in some of their views.
It is impossible to describe the love I have for my boys. As I always suspected, love is exponential. If your love dimishes then you probably are in trouble. I love my boys more than I thought possible. This also means I love my Poohead more than I thought healthy. Love grows like the Grinch's heart. Except, it doesn't only grow once. Each day it grows three sizes. Seriously. It's fucking ridiculous. It makes me love my Mom and Dad more. It makes me love my older sisters too. The love I have for my twins rewrites my past, and retells my story.
Don't misunderstand me, it isn't easy and fun all the time. Sometimes it sucks worse than god. Sometimes it is frustrating and anxiety inducing and the hardest thing I can comprehend. But the love keeps growing. Maybe that's because of how hard I try. Maybe that is because I want this to be the right decision. Who knows? All I know is that my life has real, genuine meaning for the first time. It is great to try and be a good person in the abstract. But, without real consequences I was only lying to myself and fucking up my immediate relationships with apathy and disinterest. Now, my actions have weight. Currently they weight about 15lbs 11 oz and 17lbs 5 oz.
I move towards the future with nervous excitement. There is no easy enjoyment anymore. There is no decadence without consequence. But there is fulfillment and meaningful engagement with the world. This would have been a mistake 5 years ago, or a decade previous. But now, with the right person, in the right circumstance and with the right intention (ya, I'm bastardizing Aristotle, what's your point) I have all of life's possibilities in the crib next to my bed.
I hope my inevitable fuck-ups are the minor variety.
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