Life's truths crystallize in unremarkable moments.
Sometimes these realizations lift burdens. Sometimes they press on future happiness. Last night the gravity of being a Dad settled on me. It's most of what I've thought about for awhile. I've projected myself into future conflicts and replayed scenes of boundary setting, and testing, many times. But last night, watching t.v. while the boys slept, I was grounded by the inevitability of these scenarios. I will be the bad guy. I will be the soft shoulder. I will be the mentor, and tormentor. I am one of two constants in their lives. I am a huge piece of their equation for happiness and a trust in life's processes.
It's fucking scary.
I see potentials. I see so many possibilities. But I'm a terrible fortune teller. It won't work out like I plan. It can't. How will I behave in those moments of uncertainty, anxiety and judgment when my fears encounter their fuck-ups? Can I be in those moments and not compare them with the mythical features I've directed so many times in my head? I hope so.
Of course, I'm getting ahead of myself.
Now life is simple. I need to be steady and present and calm. Okay, sometimes being calm isn't easy. Kids have the perfect sized fingers to push our buttons. But I try. I hope it isn't too obvious that I'm trying hard. I hope they understand that my sometimes anger comes from my own issues bubbling to the surface. Stupid feelings, why can't you stay down where you belong? I guess that is another thing I'm scared of. How do I show them a world of loving possibilities when it takes a six-pack of IPA to express mine freely?
I guess I keep trying.
Maybe that's the thing. Trying. I need to to keep trying, because kids are sure as fuck trying. The thing to remember is they are trying to make you the best person you can be. And you can return the favour.
I'm trying boys. I really am.
A little wisdom from my Mom on what is needed for parenting. "Endurance it turns out is what you need most. It'll carry you through." she said. I then, thinking I was a wise person, asked about love, patience, good judgement and the like. Her response was simple,"Those are what make you a parent; it's endurance that keeps you a parent."
ReplyDeleteYou're a first level Dad, take your feat.
I'd give you another for being human, but we both know you hold to a higher standing than that,