Dear Ryan,
I wish I knew magic words. I wish I had secret letters to make your family's loss make sense. I know a lot of words. I know words big and small, grand and silly. But, I don't know any words to let a nine year old girl make sense of losing her Dad. I don't know how to tell a five year old boy it will be okay.
I don't know if it will.
You were a good man, Ryan. You had faults. You had issues. You had all those things we wish we did not have, but do. I hate the phenomenon that turns someone's character into caricature. Your reactions, your stresses, your foibles made you one of us. When we laughed at you, we were always laughing at ourselves too.
We will miss you Ryan.
Your death was senseless. All death's are senseless in the moment. It was sad, and stupid and reminds us all life sucks hard at times. A simple set of stairs, and slightly delayed reactions, and you were gone. It is a scenario we have all negotiated many times.
You deserved better.
Good night my colleague, my friend, my fellow Dad and husband. Your kids will grow up with questions and rage, and more questions. I hope someone always tells them you loved them. You were a man struggling to find his way in the world, at times. But, you never looked more comfortable, more peaceful, or more at rest than with your children. They were the greatest gift you had.
I hope, one day, they'll realize you were their's.
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