Our eternal boy is lost

In my imagination Nathan will always be a boy.

I will forever picture him at nineteen, boyish and slender, with curly dark wild hair and an infectious excitement about him standing in the door of the basement suite we shared, smoking and raving to the universe and anyone else who might listen about what could happen. He was a preacher of experienced and unstudied existentialism and longing.

He was both naive in his beliefs and worldly in his experiences.

This is my eternal image of Nathan Arrowsmith.

It might be unfair. But such is the stuff of memories.

Nathan was a beautiful, kind, inquisitive, inclusive and mischievous boy.

I dare you to find a picture of Nate that didn't look like a boy keeping a secret from the camera. He was a perfect exuberant storm of charming and childish trouble.

Nathan was also a sad, broken, tired and scared man.

In the end he couldn't reconcile this difference.

Maybe it wasn't difference at all.

I was drawn to Nathan because he couldn't hide who he was. I think he hid it better from others but I don't inspire the kind of passions that cause people to lie. People don't want to impress me or intimidate me. I think Nathan's quick wit and banter fooled some into thinking he was okay.

He wasn't, although I always trusted he could be.

That trust was broken.

But, Nathan will always be our beautiful boy.

He wanted the same thing all boys want. He wanted to be loved and accepted. This is the central story of Nathan's life. That and the alcoholism. Obviously these facts inform one another.

If you didn't know Nathan you might have thought he was a hard drinking, hard working man who was unlucky in love.

If you did know Nathan you know he was a boy searching for a center. He was ever trying to pick up the pieces of a broken life.

I don't know the entire history. Nathan's past was filtered through his own love of storytelling and exaggeration. But, I know he was searching. The past wasn't what it could have been. This isn't accusation or judgment. This is fact.

Nathan struggled with his past.

Because of that he struggled with his present.

He lost that struggle recently.

I wish he hadn't. I wish he understood he had many families. I wish he had realized he was not alone.

We miss you Nate.

Most of us are kinda pissed at you too. That's unfair, but we love you and we can't let you know that anymore.

Our beautiful boy is gone.

I wish I had one more night of bullshit and beer and love to share with you.

I want you to be at peace.

I hope you've found love, acceptance and family in forever.