Birthdays

I am uncomfortable with my birthday.

I'm not uncomfortable with the concept. I quite enjoy celebrating the birth of loved ones. I just like mine to pass quietly. I've never been comfortable with undeserved attention. I don't mind being watched while I play hockey, do Judo, drive Zamboni or lecture. But the feeling of being stared at for something beyond my control brings childish pain to the surface.

It's fucking melodramatic, but childish hurts never go away completely.

They are always a part of who we are. If we are lucky, or work hard to deal with them, they become small parts of a large and stable whole. But they are still there, thinly covered scars. A little irritation will open them.

That's the feeling of birthday wishes for me.

Intellectually, I understand this is ridiculous. I understand, and am flattered, that people care and want to say, "Hey! We're glad you were born". In the moments I'm usually fine. I can accept and enjoy the expression of love. But the anxious waiting brings me back. The anticipation of an awkward exchange from someone I don't know well, whose wishes feel like social obligation, disturbs the nine year old boy in me . He was having a great day with friends until someone pointed, shrugged up their shoulders to their ears, and laughed with their own friends at his fused vertebrae.

I told you it was fucking melodramatic.

But the past is only separated by context. That little boy still doesn't like new places and new people. What if they're mean too? Luckily, I'm a grown up now and I can do what I want. When looking after my children, and the shadow of myself, I try and remember the best piece of parenting advice I ever got. "Of course you can make them do what you need. That's why you're bigger than them".

I can. And I do. I go new places, meet new people and don't let that disheartened nine year old make decisions anymore. But he is always close to the surface of my feelings. His scar never healed. I do my best to keep him safe.

It means avoiding small awkwardness at the price of more love, and birthday wishes.