What do I want?

"What do I want"?

The great question everyone grapples with. At least, the great question everyone who didn't become the thing they wanted to be as a child grapples with.

I'm not an NHL goalie, so here we are.

What do I want?

In our world of late, disorganized capitalism we like to think of this as a personal question, removed from social context or cultural influence.

That, of course, is absurd.

Nothing is removed from society and culture, even if they are removed from each other. I have a family. I have a partner and kids and jobs and commitments that preclude some of my more ridiculous dreams. Reality also precludes some of those dreams, but that is not what I'm talking about.

The better question is: What do I want, given the circumstances of my life and the outcomes that are in the realm of plausible.  Within these confines many of us find possibilities, probabilities and freedom from the tyranny of cultural aspirations.

I want to teach and write.

I also want to be a secret agent, ninja, NHL goalie, John Wick style assassin-poet.

But mostly I want to teach and write.

Both of those things reveal my truth to the world.

In teaching I am in control of a room in a way I normally cannot be. I am a fucking disaster at a cocktail party. I am shit at small talk and can't easily enter or remove myself from trivial discussions. I always go for the deeper meaning. I always try to look behind the curtain.

I am always interested in your truth, even if you are not.

I also like to write about that disconnect. I like to explore the world from the safety of my keyboard. I see the world as deep and interesting and a series of objects to be engaged. But, I only see this from a distance. In the face of complexity and difference and tension I walk away. I don't do well in the moment. I reflect well.

I wish I reflected beautifully.

On occasion I do. Usually I miss. But, I endeavor to bridge the gap between learning, seeking, understanding and teaching. I do that as a job. I want to do that as a living.

I want to teach and write.