My Job

I'm sorry.

I wish I could be with you always. 

I can't. 

Maybe I don't wish it. 

It is an important lesson. 

And, without intent to cop-out of my job, I always will be with you. You are half me. I mean that literally. I don't mean that in the horse-shit made up meaning of emphasizing a point kind of way. I am literally half of you: biologically, culturally, sociologically, spiritually, mathematically (some of those aren't true).

But still, my job is hard. 

It is my job to die. 

And it breaks my heart more than yours. My job is to know you more than anyone else in the world, and then take that away from you.

It is my job to die. 

My job is to see you born, see you become a conscious toddler, figure out the word 'NO!!!!"', figure out 'sorry', 'yes' and 'I love you'. It is my job to see you join our social family.

It is my job to protect you, and then let you be hurt, while still protecting you.

It is my job to die.

One day, you'll be grown men with flaws and gifts and perspective. It will be my job to shatter your world. It will be my job to end the illusion of a world without end. Grandparents come and go, although you never met all of yours. They are small lessons.

My lesson is large.

It is my job to die.

It is my job to walk a path you cannot avoid. It is my job to face certain uncertainty with grace, dignity and love. My Dad did it before me, my Mom will do it one day. It is a job only a parent can appreciate.

I've seen parents follow their children into the unknown. They end at the moment of their child's passing. They never remain amongst us living. Life is always half over for them. Dying first is my gift.

It is my job to die.

I would do it intentionally, unintentionally, accidentally, on purpose, with reason, with faith, without reason, without faith.

I love you, and always will. I am sorry for what I must do. I am sorry I must cause you pain and loss and sadness. I wish it was my job to make you happy and satisfied and calm forever. It isn't. My job revolves around your peace and well-being.

It is my job to die.