This might be shit, but I'm gonna try:
In the middle you just keep swimming.
Keep putting your head down and trying.
Keeping lifting your head up for breath.
Life is that simple and that hard.
Try.
Don't focus on results.
Results are a madness of time and place and luck.
The here and now are all we have.
The forever is a roll of dice.
I'm not sure this is any good.
Fuck it.
I'm done.
Saturday, May 12, 2018
Wednesday, May 9, 2018
Sure Signs You've Entered Middle-Age
It's hard to know if you're an adult.
And, it's especially hard to know when you've really grown-up.
So, I've put together a few easy indicators to let you know that you are middle-aged and can forget about the ifs and whens.
1) When someone asks your age you have to do math.
2) Per square inch your body hair has increased, but in all the wrong places. (Note: this indicator skews male).
3) Learning stuff, especially new pronouns, sends you into a frothing rage.
4) You wake up in the middle of the night and can't get back to sleep because you think you might have forgotten your high school locker combination.
- Not a problem for me: 59-27-14
5) Sex, like Communism, is a great idea in theory.
6) You see a Dad bod meme and think, "I used to be that ripped".
7) You still use "ripped".
8) You are sure music, films, t.v. and video games were all better when you were a kid.
9) You have forgotten about New Kids on the Block, Police Academy, Joanie Loves Chachi and Dig Dug.
10) Your life is more taken with ruminating, nostalgia and 'what may have been' than what might come to pass.
11) You still think Jordan was better than Lebron, Gretzky was better than Crosby and Messi needs to win a World Cup to really prove his greatness.
12) The mirror is your sworn enemy.
13) A few times per year you hear about a massive cultural event and have no idea what is going on.
14) You worry a lot about fibre.
15) Sitting on the floor is restricted to a board game with your kids, or a half hour situation comedy. A full movie on the floor leaves you as sore as a workout used to.
16) You are so unconcerned with impressing people that you only shower when you start to itch.
17) You can no longer distinguish anyone between 15 and 25 and think of them all as cute little kids.
18) You've had at least one parent die and one serious health scare and you fully understand and are okay with the end game being death. You find this takes a lot of pressure off.
19) You're pretty sure with a break here, or a little luck there, you could have been famous and rich and important.
20) You can no longer watch a Pixar movie without weeping.
21) You absolutely refuse to call Star Wars "Episode IV" Because IT IS GD FUCKING STAR WARS!!!!!!!!!
22) You think Yoda's syntax is fine.
23) You remember when you could stump the Internet.
24) Every decade you think, 40 isn't that old, 50 isn't that old, 60 isn't.......
25) You are pretty sure kids these days are terrible, only because you don't remember all the idiot children you grew up with (and probably were).
26) At least once per month you learn of a massive cultural phenomenon which you've never heard of and are totally baffled by.
27) You tend to repeat yourself.
28) You don't care about ending lists on even round numbers.
And, it's especially hard to know when you've really grown-up.
So, I've put together a few easy indicators to let you know that you are middle-aged and can forget about the ifs and whens.
1) When someone asks your age you have to do math.
2) Per square inch your body hair has increased, but in all the wrong places. (Note: this indicator skews male).
3) Learning stuff, especially new pronouns, sends you into a frothing rage.
4) You wake up in the middle of the night and can't get back to sleep because you think you might have forgotten your high school locker combination.
- Not a problem for me: 59-27-14
5) Sex, like Communism, is a great idea in theory.
6) You see a Dad bod meme and think, "I used to be that ripped".
7) You still use "ripped".
8) You are sure music, films, t.v. and video games were all better when you were a kid.
9) You have forgotten about New Kids on the Block, Police Academy, Joanie Loves Chachi and Dig Dug.
10) Your life is more taken with ruminating, nostalgia and 'what may have been' than what might come to pass.
11) You still think Jordan was better than Lebron, Gretzky was better than Crosby and Messi needs to win a World Cup to really prove his greatness.
12) The mirror is your sworn enemy.
13) A few times per year you hear about a massive cultural event and have no idea what is going on.
14) You worry a lot about fibre.
15) Sitting on the floor is restricted to a board game with your kids, or a half hour situation comedy. A full movie on the floor leaves you as sore as a workout used to.
16) You are so unconcerned with impressing people that you only shower when you start to itch.
17) You can no longer distinguish anyone between 15 and 25 and think of them all as cute little kids.
18) You've had at least one parent die and one serious health scare and you fully understand and are okay with the end game being death. You find this takes a lot of pressure off.
19) You're pretty sure with a break here, or a little luck there, you could have been famous and rich and important.
20) You can no longer watch a Pixar movie without weeping.
21) You absolutely refuse to call Star Wars "Episode IV" Because IT IS GD FUCKING STAR WARS!!!!!!!!!
22) You think Yoda's syntax is fine.
23) You remember when you could stump the Internet.
24) Every decade you think, 40 isn't that old, 50 isn't that old, 60 isn't.......
25) You are pretty sure kids these days are terrible, only because you don't remember all the idiot children you grew up with (and probably were).
26) At least once per month you learn of a massive cultural phenomenon which you've never heard of and are totally baffled by.
27) You tend to repeat yourself.
28) You don't care about ending lists on even round numbers.
Friday, March 30, 2018
What do I want?
"What do I want"?
The great question everyone grapples with. At least, the great question everyone who didn't become the thing they wanted to be as a child grapples with.
I'm not an NHL goalie, so here we are.
What do I want?
In our world of late, disorganized capitalism we like to think of this as a personal question, removed from social context or cultural influence.
That, of course, is absurd.
Nothing is removed from society and culture, even if they are removed from each other. I have a family. I have a partner and kids and jobs and commitments that preclude some of my more ridiculous dreams. Reality also precludes some of those dreams, but that is not what I'm talking about.
The better question is: What do I want, given the circumstances of my life and the outcomes that are in the realm of plausible. Within these confines many of us find possibilities, probabilities and freedom from the tyranny of cultural aspirations.
I want to teach and write.
I also want to be a secret agent, ninja, NHL goalie, John Wick style assassin-poet.
But mostly I want to teach and write.
Both of those things reveal my truth to the world.
In teaching I am in control of a room in a way I normally cannot be. I am a fucking disaster at a cocktail party. I am shit at small talk and can't easily enter or remove myself from trivial discussions. I always go for the deeper meaning. I always try to look behind the curtain.
I am always interested in your truth, even if you are not.
I also like to write about that disconnect. I like to explore the world from the safety of my keyboard. I see the world as deep and interesting and a series of objects to be engaged. But, I only see this from a distance. In the face of complexity and difference and tension I walk away. I don't do well in the moment. I reflect well.
I wish I reflected beautifully.
On occasion I do. Usually I miss. But, I endeavor to bridge the gap between learning, seeking, understanding and teaching. I do that as a job. I want to do that as a living.
I want to teach and write.
The great question everyone grapples with. At least, the great question everyone who didn't become the thing they wanted to be as a child grapples with.
I'm not an NHL goalie, so here we are.
What do I want?
In our world of late, disorganized capitalism we like to think of this as a personal question, removed from social context or cultural influence.
That, of course, is absurd.
Nothing is removed from society and culture, even if they are removed from each other. I have a family. I have a partner and kids and jobs and commitments that preclude some of my more ridiculous dreams. Reality also precludes some of those dreams, but that is not what I'm talking about.
The better question is: What do I want, given the circumstances of my life and the outcomes that are in the realm of plausible. Within these confines many of us find possibilities, probabilities and freedom from the tyranny of cultural aspirations.
I want to teach and write.
I also want to be a secret agent, ninja, NHL goalie, John Wick style assassin-poet.
But mostly I want to teach and write.
Both of those things reveal my truth to the world.
In teaching I am in control of a room in a way I normally cannot be. I am a fucking disaster at a cocktail party. I am shit at small talk and can't easily enter or remove myself from trivial discussions. I always go for the deeper meaning. I always try to look behind the curtain.
I am always interested in your truth, even if you are not.
I also like to write about that disconnect. I like to explore the world from the safety of my keyboard. I see the world as deep and interesting and a series of objects to be engaged. But, I only see this from a distance. In the face of complexity and difference and tension I walk away. I don't do well in the moment. I reflect well.
I wish I reflected beautifully.
On occasion I do. Usually I miss. But, I endeavor to bridge the gap between learning, seeking, understanding and teaching. I do that as a job. I want to do that as a living.
I want to teach and write.
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