Words I hate: Part Three

'Passion'

There are an over-abundance of self-improvement / motivational blogs insisting that passion is the key to happiness, money, self-acceptance, joy, fulfillment and a life worth living.

I'm here to say, for most of us, this is complete and utter shit.

The majority of us discover our 'passion' in youth. It's the easiest time for something untenable to fuse every part of our growing selves. Unfortunately, this happened when we were young and stupid. Maybe we weren't stupid. But we were ignorant. We had no sense of proportion. We had no idea of scope.

For me, it was hockey. I knew, I fucking knew, I was going to be a professional goalie when I grew up.

Like so many things from my childhood I was dead fuck wrong.

The odds your childhood passion matches perfectly with your upbringing, genetic gifts, future circumstances and is infused with the lottery levels of luck needed to pursue that dream is quite slim--like Kate Moss with an eating disorder on a coke binge slim. (That's a super current pop culture reference for the kids out there). Statistically, it won't happen. Okay, statistically, it is very, very, very, very, very, unlikely to happen. We hear about every one of those long shots. We know about all the NHLers who worked hard and persevered and tried harder than others. But that isn't enough. Sometimes, you can't pursue your passion. Sometimes, you need to quit. Sometimes, maybe most times, you need to realize you can't beat the odds.

Of course, there are bright, educated and thoughtful people out there that pursue this line of thinking with more nuance and understanding of life's realities. Ken Robinson's work on education and finding 'the element' is an example. He realizes your passion (the element) is key to happiness. He also understands that this might have no financial or employment-related reward.

My probable-element, hockey, still makes me happy. It also drives me nuts and brings out the worst in me. But nothing feels better than a great game in goal. Sadly, it isn't the thing I'm best at. That is the infuriating part about pursuing a passion. It forefronts something that captured my imagination when I had no realistic sense of self. As a five and a half foot goalie I was never going to make the NHL. I had mediocre reflexes and lacked the financial support to pursue top level coaching. I had zero chance. Yet, it is still the thing I am most passionate about. I am a reasonably level guy. But I will scream and yell and throw shit during a Cup run. I wasn't in Vancovuer during the last riots, but I get it. Hockey is part of my ego, part of my self, like nothing else. It is passion without adult understanding.

It is total bullshit.

I'm a better Judoka, academic, writer, Zamboni operator and teacher than I am a goalie. I appreciate my skills in these things. I like being a good Judoka. I love the moment when I open a first year university student's mind to realities they hadn't considered. But I love hockey. It is my passion.

And because of that hard truth, I hate it a bit too--with a passion.

To have, or not to have.

During one of many procrastination trips to Facebook I read a post about adults who decided not to have children. Predictably the comment section was the most entertaining, and infuriating. Some overgrown adolescents claimed not having kids as a moral and ethical victory. Parents, too late to the idea of a childless adulthood, looked down from their tired eyes at the others for their immaturity.

It was the best kind of comment section--exasperating and easily dismissed.

It's the kind of thing that let's me get uppity, and throw around big words and misplaced intelligence. It continually amazes me that apparently grown men and women still obsess over the correctness of an original choice. Few things in life are simply correct or incorrect. That's the fundamental immaturity in these comments. If you have kids, or don't, it is a choice--understanding there are exceptions and complications. The choice doesn't determine the worth of your decision. For every argument for, and against, having kids there is an valid counter-argument.

This is the simple, wonderful, and awful truth of life--choice matters little and behaviour matters most. I am a Dad. Being a Father was easy. You just need to knock up some unsuspecting lass. Being a Dad is hard work. It is continual, constant and rarely publicly gratifying. It is a choice, with follow-through. Choosing is relatively easy. Choosing, and following through is hard.

Parenthood is rarely celebrated appropriately. I didn't really appreciate my dad until he died: http://buddydudeguy.blogspot.ca/2013/05/a-dark-night-that-sheds-light-still.html

But, I did appreciate him. Parenting means playing the long game. It means trusting in a process you can't see finished. It isn't for everyone. If you choose to have kids, enjoy the squeals of delight at their adorability. It may see you through the sleepless nights. If you choose to have kids, enjoy the new community of sleep-addled and confused semi-adults. They are your people now.

If you don't have kids, relax. You've picked an easier path in many ways. But, the fact you have, or haven't, moved from one category of life to another isn't important. And, it sure as fuck isn't an indicator of your worth. Lots of people confuse this. I moved from a childless status, to being a parent. This didn't change my worth a person. Too many people don't get this.

And, it isn't the same for everyone. Some people move from childless to parenthood and it turns out to be a terrible idea. Some people never have kids, but definitely should have. These cultural markers are not exact, nor definitive.

Please figure your own shit out, and don't assume your choice is correct for all of us.

Thoughts on a bad GM: The Mike Gillis story.

When I heard Luongo was dealt to Florida I glumly predicted the trade package. Markstrom was easy—give a goalie, get a goalie. The money seemed obvious. That contract was always going to be punished. I also guessed it was Shawn Matthias. I didn’t know that Matthias was a Detroit second round pick, which hockey folks find alluring. I didn’t know how big he was, or if he had any exceptional hockey qualities. I didn’t know anything about his current or career stats. I’m not a hockey insider with access to middling front office dwellers wanting to impress reporters with the things they know about the organizations they work for. 

But, I’ve been in enough fantasy hockey pools to know how bad GMs behave.

Matthias had five points in the two games before he was traded. I noticed that while scanning the Panthers’ box score for Huberdeau points. I was intrigued too. Should I pick this guy up for my Yahoo league? I looked at his ‘Hockeydb’ page and realized this was an anomaly. He has never scored 30 points in a professional hockey season. He doesn’t have 20 points yet this season. He isn’t a consistent scoring threat. But even professional GMs are susceptible to fantastic possibilities based on common narratives and small sample sizes.

Matthias was a second round pick by Detroit. They have a wonderful draft record. Everyone knows about their late round European picks Zetterberg and Datsyuk that became superstars. Matthias can score in bunches when given the opportunity, apparently. I can imagine a GM building the narrative and convincing himself he has uncovered something special. The truth is that most draft picks break upon the shores of professional hockey, scattered as it is with the athletic bodies of one thousand other top picks. Matthias navigated that journey from prospect to regular player. That makes him special. But it doesn’t mean he’s exceptional anymore. Tom Sestito was a special player in the OHL. He’s not exactly an NHL superstar. Everyone in the NHL is capable of bursts of productivity if given the chance—John Scott notwithstanding. That’s why GMs look at past performance. It matters to most, but not Mike Gillis. Why?

The simple, obvious and unhelpful reason is because Mike Gillis is bad at his job.

More specifically, Mike Gillis still behaves like someone who has never been a GM before. This is his first GM job, but he is hardly a rookie. Every GM makes mistakes. The idea is to make less than your competitors and not repeat the same type of mistake too often. Certainly, you don’t want your GM to make the same miscalculation two years in a row. Gillis has traded two legitimate number one goalies for one actual NHL player—the aforementioned third line centre Shawn Matthias. He, once again, tried to squeeze too much out of the trade market—this year for Ryan Kesler. As with Luongo, Gillis asked for too much at the deadline. This was the time to cash in. Kesler is a returning Olympian who still has inexplicable value in the league. He is an often injured, second line centre who had a great series against Nashville once. If he was durable, and had the right situation he could be a great second line centre. He isn’t, and he is not getting younger or less injury prone. This was the deadline to trade him.

I understand Gillis may have been interfered with by ownership. I get that Luongo was unhappy with a coaching decision and that weakened Gillis’s leverage. There are always circumstances. That’s why winning is about gaining an extra percentage or two more than your competitors (shout-out to Jonah Keri).  Most distinctions in life are fine and grey. They become gross, black and white differences in our retellings. This is why a team needs many assets. Saviours are rare. Most messianic hockey hopefuls are revealed as false idols. Even the best player on a terrible team can’t win. It takes an organization full of ready, and almost ready, team mates. The Canucks don’t have this. Mike Gillis doesn’t get this. He still picks players like they are trying to win single games. Perhaps Zack Kassian would help the twins from getting pushed around by the Bruins. But Cody Hodgson will help you score more points, win more games and gives you better odds over a larger sample size. If anyone is going to help us win one, or two games when it counts it’s a goalie. And Gillis seems content on shipping them out until we are left with prospects, and career backups.

Be sure not to play too well Eddie. Gillis is sure he can get another couple mediocre prospects or mid round picks for you.